I went to meet this doctor yesterday. Yeah, the thing that I need to do every 3 months, meeting this doctor, and then later I’ll come home crying (well, not that I actually cried but sort of like bergenang air mata jugak la..:D). I just hate to meet with doctors nowadays,it’s not that I’m scared of them but yelah, knowing that I had no chance at all, or that he’s not giving me any hopes of recovering, makes me very sad. During the last appointment, I did ask him for any other things that can be done but what I get in return was so frustrating. At least la kan, cakap la baik2. Ni tak, buat orang sedih gile lagi ada. Adake cakap macam tu ngan patient. Huhu.
Ya lah, I know you guys did so many things before but in the end it failed. But at least dont give me that big hope earlier, at least give me hope dan juga cakap lah yang kemungkinan besar this might happen in the future. Or they did? Hurm, entahla, maybe its my fault. I didnt give much attention before. Yelah, having this when I was very small lagi, macam dah immune pulak. Doktor cakap apa pun apalah, yang penting rawatlah saya. Hehe. Bila benda dah jadi, barula sibuk nak buat research. Entahla, maybe sebab the last operation was when I was in form 4, and I thought biarpun tak recover 100%, at least I have that but then after 4 years baru dia occur, macam sedih jugak. And bila dah jadi, doktor pulak buat tak heran. Macam expected. Tapi kenapa tak bagitau awal2 lagi yang this thing might happen? Pastu bila orang tanya boleh tak buat lagi satu operation utk reconstruct, dia kata very tedious pulak. Well, the one who told me this isnt the doc who has been treating me all this while, but a new one since that doc is so busy with some other things. I’m being transferred to this doc who somehow was in the same team of those who operated me, so he somehow knows a lot about my case. I did ask the previous doc, cara dia cakap tu macam takde hope dah, all he said was to meet him in 3 months time, tp dia cakap elok2 jugak la. Later, when I need to meet him, dia terlupa pulak nak dtg so he referred me to this current doc which always dissapoint me. At least cakap la elok2 kan.. ni tak.. "I told you before right, it’ll be a very tedious thing to do"??? shouldnt say that, please tell me in a good way at least.
Disesabkan terlalu sedih, saya pun buatla research pasal problem ni, and thank god I found this yahoo group. Tapi masalahnya mostly orang kat situ orang2 US. Diorang pun promote doc kat sana je kalau nak refer to the best doc in town. Macam mana nak cari kan, jawuh and pulus mestila sgt mahal utk surgery tu. Owh, my mom told me that the doc yg buat operation to me tu is one of the best microsurgery in Malaysia, but he’s so busy with his other commitment, and thats why I’m being referred to this doc.
Haih, semalam tu rasa macam nak skip je appointment tu. Siap pergi lambat lagi, sebab malas giler. My parents pon macam dah give up hope dah. Why?? Please give me some support. I have this insecurity growing in me now. Sangat2 sedang membesar. I just wanted to try some other doctor in Malaysia tapi tulah, doc yang the best microsurgery pon dah give up hope macam mana? But I did ask ppl in the yahoo group and they told me that with the current techonologies nowadays sepatutnye boleh buat, just that doc yang taknak buat tu tak reti atau malas saje. I just want to know which part yang bermasalah je, and why did it happen, but I dont have the courage now. These doctors didnt even told me the exact thing. All they said was to meet them in 3 months time. I know that I need to meet them the rest of my life, but why didnt they do anything about the thing that happen to me?They dont even know my situation coz they didnt experienced that. Humph, tah la, maybe I’m just making it a big thing to me.
I should be thankful coz at least I have the other one. But when the situation comes, it’ll be very hard for me. Coz ppl thought I hear them while I actually struggled so much to listen to them (that’ll happen when they sit next to the problem I have). I need to turn my face so much so that the other ear could catch those sounds until my neck hurts. It’ll be okay if they sit in front of me and of course very much okay if it’s next to my perfect ear, of course. Okay, now I’m revealing what problem I had. Yeah, it’s deafness. I’m having one sided hearing now.It has been a year now and still hoping that one day miracle happens. Well, the first time I realized that I lost my hearing was during my final exam of my 2nd trimester year 1. I woke up that morning feeling numb at my ear. It’s numb and I couldnt hear anything at that side. I thought it’ll be for a couple of minutes coz I did experience that kind of thing before and after a while, it recovered. But this one it stayed up till today. I dont know when I can face the fact that I’ll have this for the rest of my life. I found it’s hard for me sometimes when the situation comes. Dahla, sedih je kalau ingat pasal ni. Maybe Tuhan nak uji saya kot. Well, I had this when I was 5. Not that the problem I actually had but it was something else but it lead to this deafness thing. So, masalah telinga ni dah 16 years dah. Sebab tu la macam tak heran kan dulu. Mungkin sekarang ni dah besar sikit baru la ada sensitiviti nak tau apa sebenarnye masalah yang growing ni. And, maybe because dah 16 years tu la semua orang dah lost hope kot.
But then now that I have a clear view of it, I just want to know whats the problem I have now. Tu je. Tapi doc ni macam kata takde apa2. Jumpa dia semalam pun kata "owh, there’s wax, thats good coz it shows that the ear functions normal". Normal tu maksudnye problem yang saya ada tu dah hilang kot. Tapi pasal deafness tu diorg tak igt kot! Ye lah, the main thing nak hilangkan problem tu coz bende tu mungkin boleh merebak ke otak. Telinga kan sangat dekat dengan otak. Well, the problem was actually, ada sel kulit mati ni dia makan tulang2 apa2 saja yang ada dalam telinga ni. I’ve lost all of my ossicles now because of that, but still, I can hear a bit sebelum ni sebab eardrum tu berfungsi lagi and diorg letak somethinglah saya pun tak sure apa(diorg kata macam gel ke apa tah) sbb nak bagi connection antara eardrum dgn koklea. And they made some drainage utk alirkan wax supaya tak terkumpul dalam tu, coz it has some problem with the pressure inside that cause sel kulit mati tu terkumpul lalu menjadi sesuatu yg sangat bahaya. Tu yang saya nak tau apa masalahnye sekarang jadi tak dengar pulak. Pasal problem tu, diorg takut la bende tu akan makan tulang tengkorak pula, and takut nnti ada lubang tembus ke otak..huhu..Horror la jugak. Sekarang ni jumpa diorg tiap2 3 bulan sebab nak pastikan problem tu tak merebak je. Tapi apsal diorg taknak recoverkan hearing saya? Or I have to live with it? ISnt there any hope? Huhu, dahla panjang sangat pulak cerita pasal ni. Think shud stop right now. Everyday this thing bothers me sampai study pon drop je.. huhu :((.. I dont know whats wrong with me now. How can I become so stewpid. Why do I need to bother myself with this problem. Urgh!I dont want this insecurity to stop me from achieving something good!
